Friday, May 6, 2011

Reality post

I need to buck the hell up.

I've been sitting here for the past few days feeling sorry as shit for myself. My body aches, I've reached my 7-day limit on being sick, I've had allergies, I've been depressed as hell. Every morning Ava turns on the song Endless Night from the Lion King and I am awash in tears.

It's a slippery slope, this one. It's easy to creep around and be protective. It's close to the bone and frightening to feel so vulnerable. 

So I have started thinking of things that I can and can't control/do and do not know in order to bring some discipline to my mind.

Here are the things I don't know:
1) If I will ever feel normal in my own body again
2) If cancer will come back and if I will have to deal with this again in another form
3) How things will be days, weeks, months from now

Here are the things that I do know:
1) I have an amazing husband who somehow is powering through this time
2) My kids are the most sensitive, wonderful children I could ever hope for
3) I am lucky to count my sisters as my friends and my friends as life lines that keep me moving and laughing through otherwise deep waters
4) The sun does shine in Michigan

So, that's just today. Tomorrow may be different. Who knows what next week will be, or a month from now, or next year. But it's today. And the sun is shining. And I am going to put on some sunscreen and sit outside.

Note: I was going to go sit outside, until I realized that my over-zealous (although still amazing) gardner-husband has spread some sort of fish blood emulsion all over the front beds. So, instead I am going to read Tina Fey's book and look sit in the sunlight indoors...away from the hell smell.


  1. you have no obligation to anyone, including yourself, to feel happy, or to count your blessings, or to have perspective all of the time, especially after you've been through what you've been through.

  2. I'm so glad it was a sunny, gorgeous weekend! I hope Ava's birthday party and Mother's Day fun poured light and lightness in, pushing aside worry and doubt. :)

  3. @cathkim: Thank you for saying this, my friend. I do feel the pressure sometimes to be more optimistic or positive than I feel and it SUCKS because sometimes you just want to feel what you are feeling without someone saying "better than...". Thank you for the reminder to be where I am, when I am. Hugs to you. :)