Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What is Your Space Jam?

(for my lovely friend Nicole, who gets and gathers precious things, for whom I am so grateful on the cusp of a very special birthday)

I had a totally different post geared up for today, a whiny little post that whinged about being allergic to the dermabond used in my surgery (I am) and how medical issues make you feel like Sisyphus moving the rock up the hill (they do) and how there is something that feels really, really good about indulging in grousing (it does).

Weeks (months, years) have passed that have left me feeling unmoored, conflicted, vibrant in my skin yet uncomfortable in my skin. Simultaneously glittery and scattered, the glittery overriding the scattered until the scattered snuck in and grouted glittery's floor with stickiness. I've recognized the looming presence of things not dealt with and fought against things I haven't wanted to put aside. Treading water in this space has meant one thing to me: giving up one thing I love and appreciate for another.

I have a number of friends who are in this space at exactly this same time, this washy nebula of options and decisions and meaning making. We are all moving through the deciphering of importance and juggle, how to create something in our lives that compels us, makes a difference, brings us joy, lights up our brains with crazy chemicals, flutters our stomachs, makes us want to lean. in. hard.

And then I finally watched this video that has been floating around on the facebook. I don't know why I didn't watch it before and I don't know why I watched it today. All I know is that the arrow hit just the sweet spot in my heart and it all opened up. I have to make decisions to do something awesome. Yes, I have one wild and precious life. Too short to waste on things that are boring and easy.

Life is not dull, people.

What if there really were two paths?

I'd want to be on the one that leads to awesome.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Final Countdown

Thanks to the omnipresent Let's Dance IV in our house,  I've had Europe's The Final Countdown blasting in my brain non-stop. That means turning over at night only to have that godforesaken song click on like one of those damn musical birthday cards that screeches the Star Wars theme every time you shuffle it trying to clear off the cluttered table top.
But as I lie here waiting for the Lorazepam to kick in, I'm giggling at that song for all of its schmaltzy lyrics. I'm finally on the final countdown,  damn it. One last surgery starting tomorrow morning. No more anxiety dreams about procedures not being done or bad outcomes. One last time under the knife (I hope ). If I were really out there,  I'd post up photos of the crazy writing all over my body. One boob says "this size" while the other has "fat" to mark the spot that needs a little filing in. Whorls and swirls describe various spaces to consider and different procedures to be done.
The map of my body looks like an aboriginal painting, a naked solstice parader's cloaking for a wild ride through Seattle, like God took a big marker to an ikea easel after eating mushrooms. I'm the prototype Eve on second iteration, VanGogh's starry night traced on his lover's skin with a drunken finger, a Spirograph gone out of its frame.
Damn, this Lorazepam is good.
What I will wake up to tomorrow?  Who really knows. My nurse tells me it will take months for my body to completely heal. No yoga for four weeks,  swelling for long after. This is not the body you are looking for all filed with fluid to make it all work.
But it's the last of these. And while I'll be grateful that is over, I'm so much more grateful for the chance to be made this whole again.
So wish me dreams of starry skies and warm embraces and my surgeon a steady hand tomorrow.
Love to you all.