And, We're Back!

I'm back in my pleather chair, munching on biscotti and indulging myself in reading through service design and interaction design websites (related, but not immediate need in my job). Mixed emotions crowding my head that I have to keep beating back. One thing at a time, Fran, one thing at a time.

I head back in to surgery tomorrow to remove my reconstruction madness. I met with my plastic surgeon today (who has been gone for two weeks) and he took one look and said "they have to come out". The resident had prepped me with this idea about 3 minutes before, so I was prepared, but it was a blow.

A blow, and not a blow, actually. On one hand, I am bummed that I have spent time, effort, pain, worry and all dealing with this only to have it come to naught. On the other, Basta. Enough. Fuck it. I am done. I want to heal, I want my body to correct so I can get through chemo and then figure out what is next. It's weirdly hard and relieving at the same time.

I worried about this from the start because I know how my body is, I know what it likes and what it gets fussy about. Even though I am glad I tried this route for what it could have offered, I feel like I knew all along that this was a very real possibility. It's like my body and I have been two teenage boys grappling through a fight ever since this cancer diagnosis happened. It came up quickly, we have wrestled each other and thrown each other to the ground, beating each other up a bit. Now, sweaty and dirty and adrenaline running, it's time to let it go, to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and walk home in that silence that mends things after you've let it all come to a head. Sometimes things just have to work themselves out in this deep, physical way.

The funny thing is, all I could think of sitting there was "well, thankfully it happened this week instead of last". I had been petrified up until Saturday that I wasn't going to celebrate my 40th birthday with my family and friends. I had an amazing time, the best birthday I have ever had. I left this weekend full of love and support, which made this morning's news possible to handle.

So, tomorrow at 2:15p I go under the knife again. We are doing it at an outpatient surgery suite, hoping that I don't end up in the hospital again hooked up to an IV for another few days. I feel like I am draining all of the prayer/intention energy in the world, but please keep me in your thoughts.