Saturday, April 30, 2011

Episode 3: Where Fran discovers a creepy old man and a new superpower...

A big nap and another big hit of meds and I am in a much more cheerful mood, which as given me the emotional bandwidth to laugh about a few things. It's the little things that matter, right?

Years ago when I was training to be a Pilates instructor, my teacher taught me to really pay attention to the way I hold my body that might increase pain or fatigue. This has been helpful this week, actually, as so much of my time has been sleeping sitting up and moving in a really awkward way and trying to relax those worked up muscles that are running for cover. 

So during this body observation, I realized that I walk around during the day with my upper body slightly rigid with my hands clenched at my sides, much like the small people do when they are learning to walk. I didn't really notice this until yesterday when it dawned on me that I looked like Bob Dole gimping around with that pen stuck in his hand. Of course, then I googled Bob Dole and came up with this Pepsi commercial of Brittany Spears and Bob Dole with all of the exploding bottle tops and Bob watching Brittany in the dark with that rigid pen in his hand during his Erectile Dysfunction advertising heyday and that gamey look on his face and got completely creeped out. And now, thankyouverymuchinternetz, I cannot scrub it from my eyes.

The other thing that this body observation gives me is the notion that I have a new supertool. I am pretty much sure I can deflect bullets with my breasts now. I am also pretty sure Wonder Woman could too, but the television censors wouldn't let the public know. Seriously. It was the cuffs AND the boobs.
On the plus side, there are friends who truly understand...

Me: My new superpower is the ability to deflect bullets with my breasts.
Joanna: Good. I'll stand behind you.
Me: Too bad I can't shoot them from my breasts, eh?
Joanna: That's the next stage when you have nipple reconstruction. You can choose bullets, fairy dust or champagne.
Me: [peeing.]
Me: I think I am going to choose all three. One for every occasion!
Joanna: Great idea. Not sure if insurance will cover all three, but we can pass the hat.
Me: With cuts in the city budget, I am pretty sure they will need me on the force.
Joanna: True. You will be in high demand.
Me: I could be the new Bond girl, saving A2 from harm, seducing evil men only to entrap them with my guns...ha! guns for sure!

This opens up a whole new world of possibilities...

Update:  The fiesty and ever-firey Deb Fisch sent me this knock-out clip. Yes, I like girls of that caliber....bwahahahahahaaaa.  First the fairy dust, then the bullets, natch.


  1. Now I picture you as Wonder Woman seducing Bob Dole. AND his ED.

  2. Oh, PrincessLuceval is me, Liana :)

  3. Fran, you are need to find a publisher.... you have to be one of the most witty people that i know! When all else fails, laugh. I love you, girl and wish I was there to bring you some chocolate chip cookies! I use to be the viagra rep :). ha,ha