Begin the Begin

Today was an end and a beginning.

It was my final appointment as a cancer patient. It is the beginning of my life as a person who is, in some ways, managing having a chronic disease.

We sat with my doctor as he spoke about the rules of the game going forward, about the inevitable worries that crop up, about when to call and what not to worry about. And then it was over.

Over. And so very strange.

Nick and I both walked out almost feeling like "what happened to us these past 10 months?" When you aren't in the middle of it anymore, it feels a little blank.

I had cancer, now I don't.

Or do I? Or will I? Life is back to normal, stuffed too full of things to do from family to projects to dust bunnies. In many ways, it was like it was all a dream.

This ending is almost more strange and sad and bizarre than the day they unplugged me from chemo. The finality of it is confusing.

I was not sick, then I was, now I am not.

I didn't know I was sick before and I don't know if I will be in the future. Part of me still doesn't grasp the fact that I had cancer. Isn't that strange?


Part of me does not grasp the fact that I had cancer.

I keep repeating that in my head, trying to get it to sink in.

How do you survive something you've never really accepted?

This is all part of the restarting. I can floss my teeth again. I can exercise in real ways. I don't have to use so much hand sanitizer. My hair is growing back in.

In 6 months, will I remember any of this?

Let's begin again, begin the begin...